Deliver me from madness
Deliver me from pain
Deliver me from endless days
that never feel the rain.

I'm in that place again. As usual, at first it's hard to get a handle on. Trying to understand what I feel as it comes on me. These phases I go through where everything is so...I don't know. Restless, unreal...or too real.

I feel everything deep down inside. I dream. I feel the air, the sun, the clouds. And I feel something, it's like something looking over my shoulder, a shadow I can't catch. As if there's something I should remember, or understand.

Like trying to remember those dreams.

I feel haunted by my own ghost. Like I'm here, but not here, not really. Like I just might let go and that would be good. Just go - disappear - change my life. Find my life. Save my life.

I was thinking about last year, or was it the beginning of this one? How I almost did the unimaginable. How close did I come, I wonder? If that final step had seemed possible, would I have taken it? Is that strength and bravery, or cowardice? Is it strong to stay, or brave to leave? Maybe it all depends on who you are. Victim of tragedy? Lost in despair?

Which side of the life is yours? Which is mine?

I want to understand why I go so far. What am I lacking, what do I need so badly, what drives me to the edge of the abyss. So that sometimes the fall looks inviting. The dark unknown appeals to the restlessness.

But it's not the future I need to let go of. It's the past, my past, my life before this life I live now. I dream of walking in the world that was mine once. It's gone now, though. It doesn't exist, not really, not anymore. My fear is that I'll never find the answers I need. No matter where I go or what I do, I'll never be at peace.

Just let go.

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